MLB should use MORE foreign substances to make baseball better than ever


MLB is being rocked by its largest scandal for the reason that steroid disaster with the revelation that the game’s latest stoop in offense isn’t due to pitchers getting higher, or hitters getting worse — however fairly a widespread use of international substances on baseballs.

The response from Main League Baseball has been predictable: They’re going to crack down on the issues. Pitchers will now face random checks from umpires so guarantee they’re not utilizing sticky substances to change the spin of the ball, and people discovered responsible will face repercussions.

Look, I get it, there’s a basic have to imagine sports activities are about athletic achievement and purity with out know-how or intervention, however that’s naive. Dishonest is woven into the material of all sports activities, particularly baseball, and you’ll both put your head within the sand, pretending it doesn’t exist — or you possibly can embrace it in good ways in which enhances the sport. Which is why I’m proposing …

We’d like MORE international substances in baseball.

I don’t need tars, goos, ointments and oils hidden in gloves like some cloak and dagger operation. I would like them out within the open, daring, proud, and able to be tracked with superior statistics. I would like the flexibility to game-ify international substances in methods we’ve by no means seen earlier than, with superior statistics to help it.

The concept proper now’s that baseball isn’t thrilling sufficient as a result of there aren’t sufficient hits. It helps the final sports activities notion that scoring = viewers. Nevertheless, that is drained, outdated pondering. The best way we get round that’s making the artwork of pitching can’t-miss tv, including pleasure to each pitch with a seemingly countless array of baseball dips and coatings.

For those who just like the minutia of a aid pitcher’s ERA in opposition to left handed hitters whereas enjoying at house, wait till you expertise the enjoyment of monitoring a knuckleballer who coats his ball in peanut butter earlier than taking the mound. We’ve a brand new information level, and we are able to measure him in opposition to each different peanut butter thrower in baseball.

I wish to know the way August afternoon humidity in Atlanta results a honey pitcher. Does a dome impression the split-finger fastball of a pitcher who soaked his ball in a teriyaki glaze? What occurs if you throw excessive within the strike zone utilizing a ball coated in scorching sauce? For those who soak a ball in Clark Griswold’s non-chloric, silicon-based kitchen lubricant will it burst into flames like his sled in a Walmart parking zone? I don’t have these solutions, however I would like them.

Not solely does embracing international substance pitchers make protection extra thrilling, however it will increase the best factor factor of any sport: Randomness. Certain, throwing exhausting utilizing a ball painted with WD40 may appear like a good suggestion, till the hitter drops and infield bunt and the ball rockets out of your glove like a bouncy ball thrown on a trampoline.

Then, with this data, we are able to actually rejoice the pitchers who pitch “bare,” or with none substances. Think about when you dominate baseball with out utilizing any international substance, then when your within the playoffs you announce you’re coating the left hemisphere of the ball in grease harvested from a 7/11 scorching canine curler. The game would lose it, and provides us one other unimaginable factor to speak about.

Lastly, this proposal is a job creator. Sure, pitchers can coat a ball in something they need on their very own — however groups can be motivated to rent a staff of physics and culinary specialists to work hand-in-hand on creating concoctions excellent for his or her pitching employees. It’s like an gear supervisor, however with extra molasses and creme patisserie.

I do know you most likely assume that is ridiculous however …

Take into consideration all of the proposals which were made in an effort to remodel baseball into being a extra thrilling TV product. Shortened innings, pitch timers, is it actually that far out of the realm of risk to counsel we simply let folks coat baseballs in cookie dough in the event that they wish to?


This doesn’t change the innate nature of baseball, it simply enhances it. Offering alternatives to embrace the game’s cheating-ass nature and showcasing it as a characteristic. Extra statistics to trace. Extra jobs for folks in MLB. Possibilities for weirdos like me to lastly know if sriracha or gochujang is the superior spicy condiment for pitching functions.

We don’t want baseball police to damage the enjoyable. We have to embrace it. Be molded by it, and are available out the opposite finish with a extra enjoyable, a lot stickier end result. Be a part of me in my quest to normalize international substances in baseball.


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