The 2021 March Insanity mascot dying match bracket

Think about for a second that there is no such thing as a basketball. No video games are performed, no nets minimize down — however as an alternative we collect each March for a match to resolve school mascot supremacy. Brutal, gladiatorial-style battles to find out not who guidelines a single sport, however the masters of life and dying itself.

Some floor guidelines earlier than we get began:

  1. The bracket assumes a group mascot’s actual world equal, not its depiction on the courtroom. No factors will likely be deducted for smiling mascots.
  2. There’s a author’s tilt added for sure exterior forces. For instance, you’ll see I’ve the UNC Greensboro Spartans beating a tiger, however the Michigan State Spartans shedding to that very same tiger. It’s as a result of Michigan State is sponsored by Rocket Mortgage, and it’s my perception that the monetary strain of sustaining a house on a Spartan’s wage would create distraction.
  3. When you’re silly sufficient to repeat this bracket on your pool, and find yourself successful, you’re required to donate 50 p.c of the winnings to charity.

Let’s bounce proper into speaking concerning the Elite 8

Missouri Tigers vs. USC Trojans

It is a robust one, as a result of my normal feeling is that tiger > human, however I’ve to go along with a Trojan right here as a result of they’ve combating expertise. Tigers are by no means codified into service and compelled to struggle for his or her individuals, as an alternative counting on intuition. I feel the tiger has all of the intangibles to win, however in opposition to a educated, armored warrior with the attain benefit due to a dory (Trojan spear), I simply don’t see a tiger with the ability to obtain victory.

UNC Greensboro Spartans vs. Alabama Crimson Tide

Just like a Trojan, Spartans additionally carried a dory, together with a protect. These are nice at combating individuals, however horrible at taking down an elephant. Within the film 300 we obtained a style of the spartan vs. elephant battle, however that concerned a whole lot of Spartans in a phalanx, not only one in an area. Intuition and measurement alone are sufficient to hold the pachyderm to victory.

Baylor Bears vs. Texas Tech Purple Raiders

There is no such thing as a animal on land I concern greater than a bear. Bears are scary as hell. I completely perceive the Purple Raider (recognized extra precisely because the “masked rider”) has two six-shooters at his facet, however this can be a grown-ass bear we’re speaking about. I’ve seen The Revenant, and this is kind of the identical scenario. The bear is quicker, stronger, and extra instinctual at consuming a human, than a human is at killing a bear. That is pretty simple.

Drexel Dragons vs. Cleveland State Vikings

It’s a dragon. An entire friggin’ dragon. Air superiority, hearth breath, huge jaws with razor sharp enamel dragon. Sorry Cleveland State, however Drexel is consuming you quicker than I inhale a plate of Swedish Meatballs at Ikea.

Now, on to the Remaining 4

USC Trojans vs. Alabama Crimson Tide

Bama will get a candy run to the natty right here due to an nearly an identical matchup to their Elite 8 battle in opposition to the Spartans. The largest check the elephant confronted this entire time was the UCLA Bruins, and that was again within the Candy 16. All the identical logic applies right here, and the Crimson Tide stomp the Trojans into oblivion.

Baylor Bears vs. Drexel Dragons

That is such a disgrace, as a result of I’d really like to see a battle between a dragon and a bear when all issues are equal — however they’re not, as a result of life is unfair. Each one of many bear’s fundamental benefits in opposition to land-bound animals is destroyed when dealing with a leathery-skinned dragon. Even when we assume for a second that the flight and the fireplace breath isn’t a difficulty, I truthfully don’t know if a bear’s claws and enamel have the potential of puncturing a dragon’s leathery cover sufficient to trigger harm.

And within the Nationwide Championship

Alabama Crimson Tide vs. Drexel Dragons

This appears nearly much less honest than the Remaining 4. The elephant’s major mode of killing on this battle situation has been stomping, and trunk swinging. Neither do a rattling factor in opposition to a flying dragon. Actually, this match is extra a indictment of the choice committee than the rest. The very fact they allowed a mythological creature in in any respect is deeply unfair, and warrants nearer search for future years.

That’s to not take something away from Drexel. The dragons earned their place within the championship, and received the correct to hoard the trophy on the finish, together with the opposite gold its certainly accrued in its underground wealth cavern.

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